Yesterday after checking the mail for the first time in nearly two weeks, a letter from the Department of the Air Force addressed to me stuck out in my pile like an ostrich wearing a turtleneck.

Postmarked October 20th, the letter greets me by name and explains that October is Women's Health Month. Followed by the following sentence:



Enclosed with the memo was a festive neon green postcard, addressed and stamped on the front, and on the back it asks for details of my last mammo/pap/scopy and a box to check if I haven't had my testing completed.

After reading, I am left with a couple of nagging questions, listed in order of importance:

1) Why neon green? I thought that Pepto Pink was the official color of Women's Health Month?

2) Why does the military know more about my vagina than I do? Such as, its next date with a speculum. I mean, I know my vagina inside and out - I think I am quite qualified to say this, and so are a few dozen other people:

• I progressed into womanhood with the obligatory self exploration with a hand mirror.
• I am not afraid of my body or my sexuality. I know how to work my parts, and I do so often solo and during duets.
  
• I have been through plenty of gyno visits - I like to pretend I'm a cowgirl while my feet are in the stirrups. But then I think about how normally cowgirls are clothed in fancy rodeo threads instead of a smock and while they have their legs spread and in stirrups...there is not a light three times brighter than the sun shining between them.
  
• 2 pregnancies - my first was when I lost most of my modesty. It was high risk and involved emergency room visits where it seemed every doctor and nurse just had to get a peek, thrice as many OB/GYN visits as your average person, and lots and lots of ultrasound checks; most of which involved DildoCam.
  
• Numerous sexual partners - all of which I can count on my fingers.

While I am educated enough to know that the recommended span of time between pap smears is 6 months, with all that's been going on in my life my vagina's health has been the very last thing on my mind. Keyword: "health", my vagina's other needs are always a top priority of mine.

So thank you, US military for keeping track of these things for me. I will be sending out this postcard tonight, with the following box checked:

• "I would like a referral for ... an appointment for a pap"

October has passed, and with that Women's Health Month. But I encourage all female readers to schedule a date with your favorite medical professional soon, if you haven't done so already.

Labels: vulgarity